Thursday, January 26, 2006

i am no fun

Some of the content of this post is excessively descriptive. Really... I'm putting this here for a reason.

So, does anyone want to do anything this weekend? Sorry, I'm busy Friday and Saturday night. Want to do something for Superbowl Sunday? No, I can't make it. When will I be able to hang out? Um... maybe March?

It's not that I don't like you (well... maybe), but I'm going to be busy. Busy doing what? Busy having a nurse shave my balls. (-; Literally.

Yeah, my insides are falling out and the doc needs to patch me up with a plastic mesh to keep my innards *in*. No, I'm not kidding!

I have a hernia and I need to get it fixed. Not familiar with hernias? It's when your intestines find a way out of the abdominal cavity. Mine is an inguinal hernia, meaning that it's protruding out of my crotch. No, that extra mass down there isn't a good thing! No sex for weeks afterwards! (not that that would really matter anyway...)

No, it doesn't really hurt. It definitely feels unusual. Unusual how it occassionally feels like something is putting pressure on a third testicle down there that I don't have. Oh... and when I fart, or have bowel movements, I can feel it move sometimes. (-; Don't you ever wonder how you can have a lot of gas but you don't look visibly bigger? Well, with a hernia, it's almost like a little window. You can't see inside, but you can feel as your lunch (or dinner) moves through while you're sitting on the can. (-; Jealous, huh?

Want one of your very own? I don't really recommend it, but you can try to get one by smoking a lot to develop a good smokers' cough. You can also try to lift really heavy stuff. Uber-constipation also helps. Or, you overachievers out there can try to smoke, cough, and lift heavy objects while trying to force constipated poop out of your rectum. Your body, you do what you want.

As for me? I'm not really sure how I got mine. I'm sure my cough at the beginning of January certainly didn't help. Or maybe it was me propping up my bed to help my cough... or the combination of the two? Either way, I don't smoke and I'm pretty sure it's not constipation.

If you have read this entire post up to this point, give yourself a pat on the back. Was it the morbid curiousity, or do your *really* have nothing better to do?

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